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Dear Joe,
Why does the flu feel like death?
-Strahl Recht
I never thought the flu felt like death. Mind you I’ve never felt up Death or this Flu character either. I don’t go in for those back door shanagans. What you do in the privacy of back water bordello is between you god and the goat you defiled. The only theory I have on this on would be that they use the same fabric softener. It could also be possible that they are in fact the same person though! Mild mannered reporter Flu by day.... And by night SUPER DEATH!!!!
This joke has gone too far....
Dear Joe,
I enjoy your advice/comments so much - totally makes my day. Now for my question: Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it’s only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where’s that extra penny going to?
-kanadiansnowbunny
Well I put my two cents in because I have nothing better to do so I dispense useless advice every now and then. I only get a penny for my thoughts though because my advice really isn’t that good and the real estate in mind has been steadily declining every since I got into college.
Dear Joe,
Why is it that the people who know the least act like they know the most?
-overjoid
Yeah, those guys are jerks! But its not really their fault... you see....It has to do with the lower left quadratic hemisphere of their brain. There’s a recolonizing of consummate molecules that sets off a tri-serial reaction through out the nervous ocular region of the inherited brain tissue. Mr. Eaton best explained it by saying "but who does not like the Toronto Maple Leafs?" Which is an obvious metaphor for psychological trauma revisited in conjugational with tandem thought elusion. This all leads to sever symptoms that may or may not include Velcro leakage, spinal dicombobulatory shifts, micro cellular bandwidth issues and of course talking out of your ass.
As you can plainly tell its not their fault that they’re jerks. They are physically incapable of realizing how little they do in fact know. The S.O.P.W.K.T.L.B.A.L.T.H.K.T.M. (The society of people who know the least act like they know the most) would like to remind everyone of this and to not judge these poor souls based solely on their remarks. But to give them a chance to warm up to the metaphorical hearts of the world and to let them spread their wings to fly like the majestic humming birds they truly are!
Dear Joe,
Why did MSN invent "nudges" and "winks"?
-invisibleoutline
Well there’s many reasons for this. One is so girlfriends can make their boyfriends computers make really annoying noises while he’s trying to do homework. The other more obvious reason is because Microsoft is evil. They’ve unleashed yet another piece of software that is in no way an improvement on the previous version... But it has some really nice bells and whistles that tax your computers system thus making everyone need better computers.
Somewhere in a meeting there were a bunch of guys.... Possibly french and they were all: "Oh non! Le MSN noises are not annoying enough! We must add animation and the abilité to jostle someone’s screen to the package! Oui! That will really mess with their heads! And just to make sure.... Will make the service on version seven of MSN even less reliable! That will show those arrogant pricks!".... Or something like that at least....
*note.... I’m french so you can’t get mad at me.... That being said for future reference I’m also allowed to make jokes about the Irish.... Those drunken bastards!
Dear Joe,
Why did I run out of cornflakes?
-ryoushi
I did a lot of research into this one.... My theory is you don’t do the groceries... your parents do and their giving you subtle hints. You see its a metaphor of sorts... Just like how you ran out of cornflakes... they want you to run out of the house so they can finally have some peace and quiet!
Apparently you’re only allowed to return once you bring your mom a grandchild....
Rat’s don’t count as grandchildren....
Good luck with that.
Dear Joe,
How is it that you know all this stuff? Where do you ever find the time to research it all so thoroughly?
-they_kicked_me
I have a crack team of researches work around the clock to find the answers to all your questions. Yes, I know... even with a crack team of specialists it still takes 2 months to do all the research and compile all the data and formulate my responses.
Personally I think they’re slacking a bit lately. I hired this new guy named Barry... It was one of those "I owed his older brother a favor" things. Needless to say I really don’t like the cut of this guys jib. The researchology departments output has been down 19% since I hired him a month and a half ago and talk backive-ness has been up a staggering 24%! I’d like to fire the guy but you know... the favor. Essentially we’ll all have to deal with slight delays until the "accident" happens.
Dear Joe,
What is the best way to use Sassy Frass in a sentence?
-noplacia
frass n.
Debris or excrement produced by insects.
sassy n. pl. sas·sies
A western African tree (Erythrophleum suaveolens) of the pea family, having bark that yields a poison and wood that is used for construction. Also called sasswood, sassy bark.
So if I understand this correctly the term means poison trees that come from bug poop..... So examples would be:
"Watch out Timmy! You almost stepped in some Sassy Frass!"
or
"Jon and I built a fort in that Sassy Frass over yonder by the old walnut patch!"
or
"Our Sassy Frass fort was condemned by the health inspector."
Dear Joe,
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
-acedealer
Ok..... This is a stretch..... But simply because I don’t want to make a Soylent green joke.
Humanitarians are humans that eat Arians. Arians are those who follow the doctrines of Arius. Which essentially deny that Jesus was of the same substance as God and holding instead that he was only the highest of created beings, viewed as heretical by most Christian churches. See, you all thought holy mother church was getting lenient... I mean, they haven’t gone on a crusade in ages. Little did you know they were slowly biding their time. Eating away (literally) at all those who chose not to believe in the holy trinity. Until one day, all the "heretic" religious armies of the world will be nothing more then bones covered in honey garlic sauce (I’m assuming... they may like sweet and sour... I’m not sure) and a wave a Christian might and gluttony will sweep over the earth! Thus creating a new religious age of Jesus power!
Now, the argument could be made that vegetarians are vegetables that eat Arians.... But that would just be ludicrous ... We all know killer tomatoes are fruits. The moral of all this is simply that this is possibly the most sacrilegious thing I ever wrote. I could be wrong.... But I’m pretty sure it is.
Dear Joe,
Where the hell have I been for the last 2+ months
-Kelaxis
In China.... NOT taking over the harbor front from the looks of the headlines in the world news papers. And to that all I can say is... for shame...
On the plus side you probably got to eat some really good rice. Therefore I envy you because I’m on a rice kick and my massive bag of rice is almost empty. If you or anyone else out there in Internet land would like to help me with this cause please email me and I will forward you a mailing address where you can ship rice to me. Or money... send money .... Money’s always good. Not only will I be able to buy rice with money. But if you send enough I could roll around in it and pretend I’m rich.
Please help facilitate my dreams of pretending to be rich and donate generously.
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